Sometimes we relive memories like they happened yesterday, even though they are five or ten years behind us. The old photographs, the music, the sounds, the voices that feel familiar, conversations that touch a nerve, all trigger something in us. The longing for what is no longer there. Subconsciously comparing the past and present.

A few years ago, some of us were still in school on different levels.

Some of us still had friends and family with whom we argued with over little things.

There was no AI the way we know it now.

Tech was not as embedded in our everyday lives. We did not have data science, cyber security, or UI/UX courses everywhere like we do today.

For some of us, those years came with loss.

Some of us made mistakes that took time to recover from.

A lot has really happened over the years.

So yes, the memories can come with mixed feelings.

Some people want to go back to a time when community felt stronger.

Some want to go back to how they looked.

Some are simply grateful they have grown.

And many of us feel like life was simpler then.

Ten years can change a lot.

Babies then are now preteens.

Children have grown.

Students have graduated.

Friends have come and gone, and some have stayed.

Do we have friendships we wish had lasted?

Sometimes, time with loved ones feels unlimited until it becomes memory. That is when we realize how fast time flies.

That is one lesson worth holding on to: cherish the people you love while you still have them.

I wonder, though, if there are things we do not want to go back to.

Phases of life we are actually grateful have passed.

Personally, I do not think the past should be compared with the present. The changes between then and now are almost worlds apart. Sure, there may be beautiful things we wish we still had, but we cannot force the past to fit into the present.

So can we pause for a moment and really think about it?

Do you truly want to go back to those past years, or would you rather keep moving forward?

Were you happier then, or are you happier now?

Remembering is good. It helps us reflect.

But let us not get so caught up that we start wishing ourselves backward.

Maybe the past years were better for you, and that is valid.

But instead of wishing to return to a time we cannot revisit, let us take the lessons, notice the good around us, and be mindful of what we consume.

What we watch, what we see, and what we allow into our minds matter.

Our mindset responds to what we feed it.

Perhaps the past isn't asking us to return to it, it may be asking us to remember what mattered.

So when you look back at the person you were years ago, the people you mingled with, and the things you did, what do you miss?

And more importantly...

What are you grateful you left behind?

So we were planning a very mini event, and I was looking for a place that we could stay, a place that would be very conducive, and yet would not cost a dime, a place where we could also access easily, we didn't want to have to ask for permit because that could lead to other things that might not make us stay there comfortably. So all of these were what we were looking for, we weren't sure we would find that exact space, we looked at quite a few options, I kept asking for a place as the date drew close, none looked like the complete thing we needed. But…, we actually did find what we were looking for.

Interestingly, this was a place I had passed before but never really looked at, such that it didn't register in my mind. A friend suggested it to me, and when he was even saying it, it didn't occur to me that the place was actually familiar, until he took me there. We went to see the place and it was indeed what we needed. It was cool, conducive, relaxing, comforting, and we didn't have to seek permission or spend a dime. Just what I wanted. It also felt like a lot of people didn't know about this place because it's quite hidden, which was also good for me. But it puzzled me that I knew this place yet it didn't occur to me, until I got there. It's really interesting how we see something and we don't pay attention, and then it turns out to be the exact thing we need to solve a pressing need.

The visible gorilla experimental study by National library of medicine(2013) called it inattentive blindness, a state where we are focused on something or there's something specific we are looking for, that anything unrelated is not noticed, and even if it's seen, it's not registered in our minds cause we weren't paying attention to it. In this study, they found that the radiologists used for this experiment were not told to look for the gorilla, they were looking for other things, so they didn't notice the gorilla on the CT scan. This must have been what happened to me.

I had passed there a few times, just that first, that was not a normal route, if you were going that direction there had to be something you're looking for, so anytime I passed there it was for a specific reason, and once I was done I would leave, so I had seen it but I never really noticed it. Because my attention was on what I came to that area for, any other thing faded into oblivion. If I had noticed, I wouldn't need to go through the stress of finding a place, and asking around. I even saw another building there that was close to that space I was looking for, and I was asking about it. This is a place that I should have known, I'm supposed to know that whole area, yet I was asking like it was my first time there.

And research tells me I'm not alone in this. Your car broke down unexpectedly, the mechanic is not available so you have to take public transport and that would mean passing by a corner of the street you never follow because you drive your own car. So you dash out of the house, hurrying to catch the bus, you pass a clothing store that just opened, and is close to your house, 😮, but you don't notice because you're running late for your appointment and if you miss this bus, you'd not make it in time. Then, you have an event or you are invited to this event, and you have ordered a dress, this event is so important to you so you ordered the dress a month before because you need to be ready ahead of time, yet these people keep delaying (and you're a very busy person oh), and they keep postponing, sending apology emails, apologizing for not meeting up till… it's two days to the event, and the dress has not arrived. On the eve of the event, the dress is still not delivered as planned because of different possible reasons, now you have to find an alternative urgently. Someone, maybe a close friend who you complained to, then says to you to that the last time they visited, they saw a clothing store that opened recently down the street that you should actually consider going there. You are taken aback because you never noticed. So you dress up to go down the street in search of this store, when you eventually find it, you realize that you had passed this store once. Now, you’ve noticed the store, you deliberately look around, you may even take time to admire the exterior and interior. Why? Because now that store is like a lifesaver. It was insignificant before, now it is of utmost importance. So many other instances, just wave your hands if you can relate.

If we do not consider something important, we don't pay attention to it. When our minds are on something specific, whatever is not related seems to fade into oblivion, such that even when it crosses our peripheral vision, we don't see it, it just doesn't register. But when you actually need something related to that, you come across it and you remember that you've seen this before, maybe you won't remember where and when you saw it before, but you will remember that you've actually come across it because now you're seeing it with intention. Your attention is on it because presently you need it.

What did I discover?

What we pay attention to is actually what we consciously seek information on, or about. Our curiosity at any point in time is really driven by what our attention is on at the moment.

If it isn’t significant for where you are presently, you're not interested, if you're not interested, you don't see it, if you don't see it, it doesn't stick, if it doesn't stick, you don't remember, if you don't remember, that's it. That's how we are.

‘Healthline’, a mental health article, brought another perspective. It was written that this inattentive blindness, if it occurs too frequently, has become a concern, and possible causes could be lack of proper nutrition or poor sleep.

So, what is the next action or next step you would take after reading this?

Would you start being intentional about paying more attention to your environment even if you have a focus?

Would you start looking purposely for things not related to what your attention is currently on?

Would you check to see if you are not eating the way you should and what you should, or to see if you've not been sleeping properly and act accordingly?

Do with this information what you will.

Selah.

I wrote about a meeting I fixed and theabsence with no call nor message whatsoever, to explain why they were absent.

I mentioned that one of them told me she was at home, but I didn't think it was her parents house until I specifically asked where she was in a bid to know why she had not arrived, that was when I learnt that she wasn't even close. She had told me her friends were not coming, that she was at home, asking me to tell her when the meeting commenced. I initially thought that she was still preparing, and would soon be on her way.

But there was a miscommunication. She said something but I didn't quite register it, so I believed she was coming, until I asked where she was to make her hasten up, only for me to hear that she had travelled to see her people. Everywhere stood still first. It was like moving from 🔋to 🪫. Like how am I expecting someone and then it turns out she had dropped a hint that she wouldn't be coming? Meaning I shouldn't have had that expectation in the first place.

This is the kind of thing that happens when communication is not clear. Her words were not very clear, and so I didn't quite get what she conveyed. Thinking back to what happened, I came to the realization that when communication is not clear, there are misplaced, misguided expectations.

To put it another way, misplaced expectations come from unclear communication. There can only be disappointment because there was a prior expectation.

The disappointment, and every other feeling that came with it, wouldn't have been there if I didn't think she was coming.

So these are the things I noted as I replayed the conversation in my head:

Every word we speak, every message we convey, should be done with clarity, to avoid situations where the results we see are not what we expected.

You know that situation where you’ve had a conversation with someone, you make plans and all of that, and then you proceed according to “plan”, after your execution, you now hear, “that is not what I meant” or it's even the other person proceeding with what you had a discussion on, then you're like, “no, it's not this”, and the person goes, “I thought this is what you said, I thought this was how we were meant to do it, I thought this was the plan.” What was transmitted is not what was received, that's why things like that happen.

Another thing that came to mind is; giving hints is not communication Personally, I've seen that giving hints sometimes leads to misunderstandings because the message or information is not clear, so there can be different interpretations.

The audience, the receiver, also has a part to play. When the information is unclear, we need to ask questions, questions that will throw more light on what is being passed across to us as information (whether it's a message, an instruction, a task, a plan).

That's one thing labelling and mirroring does, you repeat what you heard, you name what you think the person's nonverbal expressions are conveying, and have that person confirm that you're correct or give a better and more detailed explanation, that way everyone is on the same page, and we don't have unfounded expectations.

I noticed something.

In recent times, communication seems to have become something used only in professional settings, it's like we’ve forgotten that it is literally what we do everyday. When we're randomly chatting or gisting with friends, we are communicating, when we are giving instructions, assigning tasks, we are communicating, even asking questions is communication too.

And finally, the success of our message, our dialogue, our conversation, is that our audience, the people we are talking to, understand what we're saying in the way we actually intended it to be understood.

That is when we can say that communication has taken place.

Selah.

So I fixed a meeting, told them beforehand, in fact in our last meeting, I mentioned it and we all agreed, the night before I still sent a message, yet, they didn't show up for the meeting. It wasn't just that they didn't come, they didn't send a message, didn't call, nothing, just silence and absence.

One of them told me about her friends not coming, she didn't tell me that she herself wouldn't be around, though she did say she was at home, but I didn't register that the home she was referring to was her parents house, meaning she wasn't even around(this was a day before).

It was when I asked where she was, wondering why she hadn't arrived, that I understood the home she mentioned.

I sent a message to the friends in question to know why they wouldn't be coming, I didn't get a reply till late evening. Since I still had others that had agreed to be there, I prepared and came out anyway, yet didn't meet those too. I called, nobody answered except one person: he told me that he came, but he had gone since the rest weren't around. I did feel a bit discouraged.

Later on, when I had settled emotionally, I thought about why someone would not show up for a meeting and still not send a message, either beforehand or after.

So I went to the documents.

According to Sage journal publication, avoidance of discomfort, guilt, confrontation, or accountability could lead people to withdraw from communication entirely rather than face the interaction. Academy management study found that people who ghost often feel guilty or uncomfortable themselves, especially when the silence was unintentional at first. However, instead of repairing the communication, the guilt widens with each passing time, so they continue avoiding it.

I found another study conducted by Al Davidson, founder of Strategic Sales & Marketing, that revealed that 56% of prospects missed their appointment because they felt “overwhelmed by internal events.” Well, one of them actually told me she was emotionally drained, and she was exhausted. So this finding, though related to sales, felt so close to home.

Seeing these research answers made me more understanding.

You know when you are stood up like this by not just one person, you could go from hurt to maybe anger, and you know your emotions are in different places; why would they do this?

How could they have done this? Are they playing with me?

Do they take me for granted?

Different thoughts and questions in your head.

But reading through made me see that it wasn't really that they didn't care, it's that some times people don't know better; they probably have no idea what that silence does to the person on the receiving end, they may not have the understanding that you are supposed to give a heads-up or an explanation if you won't be present for a scheduled meeting.

Or it's beyond their control; something may have happened unexpectedly, maybe so severe that nothing else could possibly occupy their mind, not even the meeting, it could also be menstrual cramps(take that from me).

Or they are dealing with something; could be a crisis, emotional rollercoaster, something that might need external help, name it. Things really do come up suddenly. We all have different examples of unexpected occurrences.

Did it mean however, that the silence, the ghosting, didn't need to be addressed, that it wouldn't be spoken about or tackled? No.

Did it mean I would just ignore it like it didn't happen? Of course not.

If I didn't want a repeat of that, there was no way it wouldn't be addressed.

Only that it would be coming from a place of understanding, a place of empathy, not hurt, not anger, not disappointment, not the feeling of failure or any other thoughts or emotions that silence in absence could bring. I would be able to tackle it without sounding selfish or insensitive. When we are hurt at times, we can say things that that are one-sided - me, myself and I, looking at it only from our perspective, oblivious to the other person's perspective. Of course we are talking from our own hurt or annoyance, so we are only seeing ourselves in that moment. Reading through the research articles made me see differently. Information changes perception oh.

Information controls more than we realize. Information controls how we talk, how we act, how we think, how we see things (our perception).

That is one thing I picked from this whole experience.

Then, there was an interesting turn. We began to hear things like, “this is how other sets have been doing it”, “see what the last set did.” Videos and pictures of what the previous set, the set before, and what other sets that had gone ahead of us had done were posted on the group chat. Apparently, their suggestions were coming from what they had seen, just that everyone had their preference. Someone now mentioned that we should try something new, that we didn't have to do what others had done. She showed us something new, something that wasn't in any of the pictures sent, that we hadn't heard of, or seen in what previous sets had done. There was a period of Silence. The group chat was quiet for some time, you would think the conversation was over.

The next response was more pictures of what others had done, that suggestion was ignored, it was almost like nobody made that suggestion. Needless to say, that new idea wasn't taken. It was as if they were waiting for someone to suggest something outside the box so they could all reach an agreement. We took the various models that had been shown to us, set up a poll and settled for the options with the highest votes.

But that got me thinking, why do we always have to do things simply because that's how it's been done? Why do we rather choose to go with the status quo than try a new option? So I did a bit of reading, and I came across an experimental study by Samuelson and Zeckhauser in 1988 on what they called “status quo bias.” In their series of decision-making experiments, they found that people disproportionately stick with the status quo. Participants in their study consistently favoured whichever option was presented as the current or already-existing one.

From the research, and this experience, a thought crossed my mind - the bigger or the more significant the event or situation at hand, the less likely we are to change the status quo.

So what made my course mates go with what others before us had done was familiarity. They leaned towards what was tried-and-tested. It felt safer. There was already a reference point, and it just seemed reasonable to go with what we had seen others do, instead of charting a new course; I mean, we hadn't seen it anywhere, hadn't tried it, didn't know how it would turn out, so yeah, a significant number of us weren't open to taking that risk on such a big deal as our final year pass out week (FYP) - a week where finalists celebrate the final lap in their undergraduate journey. Not with the weight attached to it.

Stepping away from the norm is usually a risk. You have in mind what outcome you expect, yet you don't really know, it's not certain, what it will turn out to be. You are taking chances, and really, those uncertainties feel like stepping out of our comfort zone, like stepping out of the “safe zone” into the wild. So our self-preservation instinct will be to stay in familiar territories and keep on with what we know, what we have seen over time and what we are used to, rather than try new options, even if the new option might be better, even when what we have is not really as efficient or effective.

There are times when you consider taking the new option, especially when you see that what you've been working with is not producing as much as it should, but some thoughts begin to hold us back: What if it fails? There is no proof of this thing working. What of the embarrassment if it doesn't go as expected? What would people's reaction be? I'm going to be the odd one out, because what I'm doing is not common, it's new, it's not the usual.

You know, all these kinds of thoughts that bring us to the conclusion that the best option is to stay with the known, stay with what we have been doing, to stick to the norm. A very significant number of us have had this experience. Maybe we get the courage to try, and then we are faced with opposition from different angles. Silent, subtle, loud, all kinds of opposition. This resistance to change is something we are familiar with.

And when we're talking about change, or trying new options, it's not just in how things are done, or personal choices, it could also be change that feels imposed, like changing team leads in an establishment. Someone once spoke of how colleagues in his workplace tried to resist his taking over the leadership position in his current department, simply because the one handing over to him had stayed in that position for a long time and he had been transferred to that place not quite long before he was given the position, so he wasn't someone they were familiar with. They didn't know him, so they tried to kick against him taking that position.

So now, I'm trying to make sense of it. Could it be that they were not sure what to expect from him as someone that was relatively new? Perhaps there were things they were used to, and they must have been nearly certain that those things might change. These people were actually trying to preserve a tradition or culture that was practiced in that workspace, the status quo, so anything that was going to threaten that, they were ready to push back. They were trying to protect their interest or what they felt was their interest. It would seem like they didn't think about the possible progress this person was bringing to that space; a better policy that would actually be beneficial to them, maybe even more incentives, better leadership, anything positive you can actually think of. They weren't seeing any of that. Truth be told, this is how many of us are. We don't see anything else apart from the negatives and so we would rather relax in the known. Even if we don't move forward, let's stay where we are “safe”. That's the logic. So long as it's not a trend, there are not many doing it, we would rather stay where we are.

And so, from experience and personal observations, I've found that what we're used to, that which has become our safe zone, usually binds us, constrains us, to what looks to me like some sort of confinement that we’ve put ourselves in subconsciously. It blinds us to the possibilities outside of what we are used to. The thing is, anytime we resist change, we are saying no to a possibility of a better policy, better output, better results, better efficiency, even better life. It's saying, we would rather remain stuck here.

And the fact is that whatever we are used to, whatever safe space we have, was once upon a time, something new; a new option, an alternative that had not been explored before. I really think this is something we need to constantly remind ourselves. For real. When we see ourselves resisting change, resisting the new, the unfamiliar, let's remind ourselves that what we know as familiar was once unfamiliar. When we hear of something new; a change in personnel, a change in leadership, a change in process or procedures, a change from the norm, and we begin to have that uncomfortable feeling of leaving the familiar, we acknowledge it first, then we begin to think of possible negatives that could arise, then say to ourselves, that's probably the worst that could happen:

People would look at me weirdly, that's probably the worst that could happen,

I could be embarrassed if this fails, that's probably the worst that could happen,

I could be laughed at, especially if this doesn't go well, that's probably the worst that could happen,

This thing I have been enjoying would probably end if all doesn't work out well, that's probably the worst that could happen.

Psychological research supports the idea that naming anticipated negative outcomes, a technique used in cognitive behavioural therapy sometimes called decatastrophising, can make the unfamiliar less scary. I would add that we also think about the possible positive outcome and fill our minds with it as we push forward, and become genuinely curious about what it could turn out to be. I believe that when we turn that uncertainty to a genuine curiosity, taking that unfamiliar route won't be so uncomfortable. Becoming genuinely curious about what could happen if we left the familiar terrain, would push us to actually leave.

Whether it works or not, we explored, we had an adventure, maybe not in the way we know it, but it was an adventure because we went out of the safe zone, out of the familiar, not knowing for sure what could happen, though not without hope. Then we think to ourselves that we can explore other avenues too. If we've done it before, we can do it again. This way, we would resist change less and less.

So, we have an adventure, and we get an experience that leaves no room for regret.

I went to the XYZ store, and those people kept me waiting for a long time. I stayed there for up to 1 hour ignored, nobody responded to my question, but I still waited, because I saw something I really liked. If not….

Anyway, after what felt like hours, one of the sales girls came to attend to me. Finally, or so I thought. I had no idea there was another “waiting” for me in front.

I picked what I wanted, paid and waited again for another long time before they wrapped up my things and handed them over to me with no apology at all. Can you imagine? What kind of customer service was that? And if you see how it was even given to me, ahh, I felt insulted.

By the time I tell this to one person, the person goes to tell another person who goes on to tell someone else, and it goes on and on. Or, to bring it to our present reality, where I can just sit down in front of my camera, say what I want to say, hit send and boom 💥 💥, it travels far. Before long, people begin to see that store in a negative light. The XYZ store’s advert may connect to, and draw customers, but once people hear that story, their minds change instantly. Someone may not know about that store, and the first time they hear about it is in connection to that story, instantly a bad image of the store is formed in their minds. This is how stories change perceptions and even create perceptions.

That is how effective a narrative from one person can be. So what kind of stories are we providing with our actions in our day-to-day lives? One person is enough to create a strong narrative.

Psychosocial Rehabilitation Specialist, Kendra Cherry, in her article cited research that spoke about how earlier in human history, paying attention to bad, dangerous, and negative threats in the world was literally a matter of life and death. Those who were more sensitive to danger and who paid more attention to the bad things around them were more likely to survive. This meant they were also more likely to hand down the genes that made them more attentive to danger. So a large part of the human race inherited these genes. So in her words, “Because negative information causes a surge in activity in a critical information processing area of the brain, our behaviours and attitudes tend to be shaped more powerfully by bad news, experiences, and information.” This explains why bad news makes more waves and emphasizes the need to be careful what stories we are telling with our lives.

Stories can Make or Mar, depending on the narrative that is passed.

On the other hand, do we consider that sometimes what we see isn't always the whole picture? Do we consider looking from different perspectives, before we conclude? It's never a bad decision to just pause, to check again, to be sure you have the whole picture.

As much as we should be careful of the stories that our lifestyle tells about us - how we relate to people in casual settings, in professional settings, in business settings, all these things, let's also give grace.

As much as lieth in us, as much as the negatives are usually more “juicy” at times, let's pause before we pronounce judgement, before we make that decision. That pause may just change a lot of things.

Have you ever heard something about yourself that was being spread around, whether true or false? How did you react to that?

So for the first time, he wondered if she had been right after all but then the culture he had grown in, didn't let him really process that so he continued in his ways, afterall what does she know? Children can only learn from their parents not the other way round. Children are to be seen not heard is what he had been taught and indeed a lot of us grew up with that ideology too.

Some of us grew to hide our thoughts. Even when we felt so strongly about certain things, we couldn't say them because it was seen as rude, as having no respect for elders. Your job was to greet elders and do as you were told. Anything outside that wasn't your place. We grew like that, even when we must have felt it was unfair.

The thing is, we are transferring that to our children as well. Maybe not consciously, but we are. That we grew up a certain way is not a reason to continue that way or train our children that way. We know those things that we didn't feel good about, don't let your children go through that too, and times are more dangerous now. These are not times when we can afford to make our children exhibits for the eyes and prevented from expressing their feelings, down to their deepest fears.

It's so bad that even in extreme cases like, when children are molested and they are trying to tell their parents, they are dismissed like they don't know what they are saying. And I'm wondering, are we trying to protect an image or preserve a culture (a culture that forbids children's voices to be heard) to the detriment of our children's feelings? Some people would confront the adult carelessly and when the adult denies, they would take their word for it or call their children liars.

So we have children being molested by relatives, uncles, aunts, cousins, they go to tell mummy, mummy hushes them up and tells them they don't know what they are saying. They tell daddy, and he warns them never to mention that again or even gives them a beating. Mummy and daddy don't trust their children because they are to be ‘seen not heard’, so what could they possibly know? And each time I come across stories like this, I can't help but wonder if children are really not able to tell when something they don’t like is done to them, to tell when they are being threatened, to tell when they no longer feel safe around a person, if they are not seen as humans because they are much younger.

There are children threatened by people around their neighbourhood, they are uncomfortable around supposedly close family members, and in extreme cases these children are even raped, even by people in the very same house with them, and they are living in fear, seemingly with no one to turn to, yet, they are supposed to have parents that protect them, that shelter them, that cover them, that shield them. File Abuse Lawsuit, in its April 2026 article, wrote that children may fear getting in trouble, blame themselves, or think adults will not believe them and so they can't speak up. This gives credence to my earlier statement.

Even if they don't understand what is happening to them, probably because they were not taught about it, they can still tell that something is wrong. They are human beings as much as we are too. They feel pain and distress as much as any adult would. Let's not diminish their feelings, their emotions, their words, because they are children. File Abuse Lawsuit also tells us that kids cannot usually solve them on their own, which is why they rely on safe (emphasis on safe) adults who notice warning signs, listen carefully, and step in to protect them.

This is what we need to start doing now: Whether these children are offering what looks like advice (a girl saved the life of Naaman in the bible) or talking about something they are uncomfortable with, something that feels strange to them, or acting weird(that's communication too), please listen. Listen and act appropriately.

This is probably not the first time this is said, however this is still an issue presently, and so we have to keep talking about it.

Let's not shush our children, don't hush them, don't shut them up. As File Abuse Lawsuit article supports, encourage open conversations at home. Those conversations we couldn't have with our parents, let's have them with our children. Those vague words that were said(like if a boy touches you, you will get pregnant), let's make it plain to our children.

We need to be intentional about not transferring this culture we grew up with.

Children are to be seen and heard too.

What is this idea of stripping people naked? Where has it led us?

I came across a news report that spoke about a woman stripped naked in public and beaten for her alleged involvement in ritual activities. According to the report, she was suspected to be with a human heart. I read that line shocked, wondering what that meant. How are we sure that they even know what a heart looks like? Even if she was holding a heart as claimed, it could be the heart of an animal that she bought or something. What she was holding could have been for experimental purposes (she could have been a medical student). I mean, how could they have concluded that she was a ritualist? Did they ask her questions?

There was probably no interrogation whatsoever. They just caught a glimpse of what she was holding and immediately assumed what they wanted and sprung to action. Chapter 4 section 34(1)(a) of the constitution provides that every individual is entitled to respect for the dignity of their person, and accordingly, no person shall be subject to torture or to inhuman or degrading treatment. Have we become such a lawless society that anyone can just do what they feel like and get away with it, including trampling on a person’s dignity?

Okay, you could say the justification for their actions is that the area is notorious for ritual activities, hence their reaction. So, do I call that a fair point? Should there not be room for the benefit of doubt? This woman was not just beaten, she was stripped naked, nothing justifies that. This is the 21st century for crying out loud!! Last time I checked, we are way past the medieval times. We are supposed to be in a civilized age, what’s going on? What happened to taking her before the authorities? What happened to asking questions properly? How could you just punish someone without thorough investigation?

It’s perfectly fine to have suspicions, especially with all that’s happening in recent times. But we don’t act before we think. We don’t act based on suspicions.

The fact that there’s such a high rate of stripping women in public these days, has become quite alarming. You have an altercation with a woman, you strip her. You suspect a woman of whatever crime, you strip her even before anything is confirmed. Not to say that if it’s confirmed that stripping women is okay, because it’s not (that’s the highest form of degradation, disgrace, humiliation). Unfortunately, some of the perpetrators of this act are fellow women, when we are supposed to protect one another.

If you’ve followed the news in the year 2025, and even 2026, you would have heard a number of reports and even seen videos of women stripped in public. I’m beginning to wonder if it has become a perverted justice – where some people just have the desire to see a naked woman, and then someone becomes unfortunate to become an object of fulfillment for that desire. When you even see how in just a matter of seconds, the woman is stripped, you’ll wonder if it’s really the supposed crime or something else. How convenient.

Are we trying to objectify women, or demean them on purpose? Is there another agenda? I even saw a video where after stripping a woman naked, one man was using his hands to open the legs of the woman, what was that for? And guess what? At that point, I wasn’t hearing anything about what they were accusing her of, they were just focused on her body. Now tell me if that’s still part of the punishment. Do we still categorize it as seeking justice or giving punishment for a crime?

Throughout history, women have often been treated in a degrading manner, without respect, received more severe punishments than their male counterparts, their rights violated, and their opinions disregarded. One would expect that with all the advancements made, and the various accomplishments made by women, that the above would have long gone. Apparently, that practice is still deeply rooted in our society, even presently, that ideology is still there. As documented in the International Journal of Criminology and Sociology(2023), three robbery incidents in three different Nigerian cities involving robbers impersonating taxi operators known as “one-chance” robbers, were analyzed. In all the three incidents, the one-chance robbers comprising both men and women were caught by mobs. In all of them, the mobs stripped the female robbers naked in public whilst their male gang members were allowed to wear their clothes. For how long are we going to continue like this?

Of course, the issue of stripping people is not peculiar to only women, as we ourselves have seen, backed also by Amnesty International report in 2024, between January 2012 and August 2023, they recorded at least 555 victims of mob violence (how many killed), from 363 documented incidents across Nigeria. However, there seems to be an increase in stripping women particularly, and we can’t afford to be silent about it any longer.

Regardless of the offence, we don’t have to subject people to such humiliation, it’s dehumanizing. We can’t keep stripping humans of their dignity and expect to have a sane society. Besides this is the social media age, and the internet never forgets, which means that whatever effects stripping people had in those days, it has multiplied now:- The shame, the stigma, the deflated self-esteem, the insanity, all of these have multiplied in this present times, and the chances of the victims committing suicide have increased. To make matters worse, many times, these so called criminals are innocent. Do we see why we need to be concerned?

Since this “jungle justice” began, what have we benefitted? Apart from destroying the lives of the victims, and putting fear in people, what else has it done? It has not even reduced crime in any way.

Let’s not stand by and watch, let’s lend our voices, let’s speak whenever we encounter such scenarios. We need to end this. Our silence will only cause this to continue. As Aisha Yesufu would say, today’s victims were yesterday’s survivors and today’s survivors can be tomorrow’s victims. Selah

Over the years, we’ve heard so many rape stories, some too evil to be true. The stories never seem to end because with each story, we already know the end. The predator is given attention, the kind that feels like they've become some sort of celebrity, what happens to the victims? The survivor becomes the shamed. So the cycle continues, history keeps repeating itself over and over and over. Is it about to be changed now? I wonder.

The Ochanya case was reopened, and with it memories, scars, deep-seated wounds, of not just the family but of people who at one time or the other were molested, raped, assaulted. A quick background - Ochanya was a little girl sent to live with her relatives, because the only school in her community was burnt down. She was to attend school in their place. However, she became a sex tool for both father and son for 5 years. She developed vesicovaginal fistula (VVF), and died in 2018. Her life was cut short and the culprits have been roaming free. The case was brought up again on social media on the anniversary of her death.

It started with revisiting the Ochanya case, then we start seeing more gory sights in videos, hearing heart-wrenching stories of survivors who had been silenced for God knows how long. Yes, silenced. Silenced because it wasn’t voluntary. Silenced because they would be judged. Silenced because, who would listen? Silenced because they didn’t have a choice, no options to choose from. They couldn’t speak out, couldn’t report, so they held it all in. How were they supposed to talk? Who would have listened? Who would have fought with them? So yes, silenced not silent. Bearing shame that is not supposed to be theirs.

Reading through the story of how Ochanya’s case was handled in court, I was reminded of the failed judicial system. What was I expecting? It’s an all too familiar outcome. Still, it was heart-breaking, to say the least.

Then few days ago, I began hearing about what is referred to as “a rape festival”, in a place called Ozoro community. What that is supposed to mean I don’t know. I was shocked to hear something like that. In what looks like a defensive statement, it’s said to be a fertility festival where women are supposed to stay indoors. There's claim that it was a case of some people turning the occasion into something of that nature. Is this supposed to be an explanation or a justification? Is this supposed to even be a reason? So what happened to the authorities in this Ozoro community when the madness was going on?

Why is there even a festival mandating women to stay indoors? What exactly is the purpose? There’s just many questions. Makes me wonder how women in that community live. It’s things like this that make me ask, is there really no safe space anymore? No safe space for women? No safe space for children? Nobody has a conscience?

Someone posted that literally every woman has at one point in her life been molested, and I found myself asking, “can this really be true? What if it is?” And I shuddered at the implication. So I ask again, is the world no longer safe for us anymore?

This is where Christians say, “Come Lord Jesus”. Because at this point children are in danger, the womenfolk are in danger too. It’s not just about the girls anymore, it’s about children. The boys are being molested too at about the same age that the girls are. They(the boys) are also growing up seeing these sickening things that's beginning to look like a norm. It's a fight for a generation now.

We say parents, give birth to as many children as you can train, watch your children closely, teach them sex education, don’t let them be close to adults of the opposite sex, train the boys to respect the other gender, and all those things. They are measures, but even then, there’s no 100% guarantee of the safety of your children even with all these information.

You won’t always be with them, so what happens with all these when they are in a precarious situation? When they can’t even say no? When they can’t resist? When their resistance is futile? When it’s just them against a mob? When everything you’ve told or taught them seem useless at that point?

While we are training our children, so they don’t grow into these monsters, we still need to protect them from these predators, and it’s a real struggle, an almost impossible one, because the predators have become much more closer. Family – uncle, aunt, cousin, nephew, niece, father. They’ve become bolder! That even in public spaces they don’t mind. These are desperate times which calls for desperate measures. It’s become a collective fight.

It's no longer just a fight for justice for the survivors, it’s a fight for safety for women, for girls, for boys, for all.

People are sharing their stories and you can tell that they are battered, broken, demoralized, stripped of everything that makes them human, they’ve become empty shells, dying on the inside. Worst of all, many of these people didn’t get a chance to live, to grow, to develop, to fully form, some not even weaned, before they had their lives stolen from them.

There's a buzz right now. Will it lead to proactive and productive measures, or is it just one of those things that die down after a while?

Do we really have the mental fortitude, the tenacity to keep pushing until there are safe spaces? Or will history continue to repeat itself?

We visit places based on how appealing it is to our eyes, we crave for stuff primarily because of how it looks, we even relate with people based on our visual assessment of them. We do many things based on face value. Our judgment of things is based on what our eyes see, apart from what we hear. When we say something doesn't look good, what we're saying is, my eyes don't like this, it's not visually pleasing/satisfactory.

But then, our visual assessment of things is not always correct. What is pleasing to the eye could be the opposite in reality. You know, on the side mirror of vehicles, there's this statement, “objects in the mirror are closer than they appear”. You are looking at the mirror, and it's like you're not so close to it, but you're actually closer than you can see. It's an illustration of how what we see may not always be what it is in reality.

I remember meeting someone in a new environment (that was to become a part of my life later on) and thinking that this person must be an unserious person, one that I would rather not associate with. I formed this opinion of her by just looking at her, and the people I saw her with who also looked unserious.

Somehow, situations came up, and I had to engage her in discussions, and even work with her, that was when I realized to my dismay that I had misjudged her. Note how my initial opinion of her was formed from a distance according to what my eyes communicated to me. I did come clean about it though, I had to. I let her know that I was seeing her in a certain way before, but not anymore and she actually said that it had happened before. Knowing what I know about her now, I imagine how much those people have missed or are missing out on.

Bringing it home, let's think about how many things we have missed simply because it didn't look good to our eyes. How many relationships have we missed or despised because our eyes told us so? How many “goodies” have we pushed aside because it just wasn't pleasant to our eyes?

We talk about first impressions, we talk about “packaging” ourselves to make a good first impression. What's that good first impression? Looking appealing to the eyes of others. That's it!

Care should be taken though, that we are not covering ourselves or enduring discomfort in trying to make a good first impression. That “packaging” sometimes is taking away our essence, and taking on something else that seems acceptable to the eyes of the people we hope to impress. Let's see this scenario, a very jovial and outgoing person, having to hold all that in, appearing quiet to look calm and composed, and probably not lose something that they were meant to get (could be a job opportunity) because they appear “disorganized” or ill-mannered. So what happens is that in making a good first impression, we hide our true nature, so that certain eyes are not put off by us.

More often than not, we even find appealing to our eyes is a function of our environment, culture, our experiences, to see it as. In an environment that favours, values quietness, any chatty extrovert will not be looked at nicely, they certainly will not make a “good” first impression coming in that way. You know what? Those people in that environment would probably see differently in a contrasting environment.

A study was conducted on English school children. They were asked to identify beautiful images, and of course they chose different things. Now the thing is that these children were asked why they thought what they had selected were beautiful, a girl named Ilham, described how she found her ‘image of pink waves crashing on to a beach’ beautiful because of its colours but also because of her

memories of arriving on the beach with her family and taking the photograph. Similarly, Anya explained her photograph of her teddy bear collection was beautiful because it was ‘really colourful’ but also because the scene makes her feel peaceful and homely and it’s things she loves (she must have a teddy bear at home). This study found that while children found beauty in colour, in their descriptions of their images, they rarely identified colour as the only reason why an image was beautiful and usually mentioned it in conjunction with other qualities or associations. It also found that children in rural areas preferred nature(they live in nature), while those in urban areas preferred images of

nature that had been digitally edited, enhanced and manipulated. This is how much your environment, your experience can influence what is visually appealing to you.

We should normalize looking beyond what we see, beyond what appeals to the eyes. Even if that person doesn't look pleasant, don't act on what you have deduced from sight, give time to really know that person, give people the benefit of doubt. Let's look for real value.

How does that person behave?

How do they relate with people?

How do they handle conflicts?

How do they think?

What do they do differently from others that positively affects others around them?

Getting answers will take time, and assessment by sight will not give you these answers. Who knows? You may just find out that your eyes deceived you.

Our eyes are for seeing, but you can't depend on it alone to make the right decisions 100% of the time. There's a reason why it's not the only sense organ in the body.

Atimes you have a good impression of someone based on what your eyes have seen, and in the long run, you find that the person is not really what you thought. There may also be times when your first impression of someone is correct because there are usually exceptions to normal and proven occurrences, but we wouldn’t want to take chances because of that.

Oh, right, even if the food before you doesn't look appealing, tasting it might just prove your eyes wrong.

An author gives a very short real life story.

In December 2013, a young woman named Justine Sacco wrote this tweet: "Going to Africa. Hope I don't get AIDS. Just kidding. I'm white."

She hit send, and out it went to her 170 followers.

Jon Ronson, Author of "So You've Been Publicly Shamed" tells us that she got on the plane, turned off her phone, woke up 11 hours later, turned on her phone, and discovered that her life was utterly destroyed. She was cancelled online, and she lost her job.

This is one clear illustration of "cancel culture” even before the phrase became popular. After this woman, we've had many more, let me add a twist. There have been cases where the person who starts the cancel campaign, begins to receive threats, and sometimes the person that the campaign was made for, is not cancelled.

Let's see what ‘cancel culture’ actually is. This phrase was first used in 2016, that's what encyclopedia Britannica tells us.

Also called ostracizing, or boycotting - cancel culture is defined as the withdrawal of support from a person or persons, most likely because of their conduct or statement which goes against the acceptable norms of that community or environment.

It has long been practiced, and shows up in many forms; colleagues at work not associating with a particular worker, people in a community refusing to have anything to do with a person or family, peers at school isolating a classmate, people losing support from family and friends, and then we moved to attacks on social media.

It's bad enough when you go through it offline amongst people you're familiar with (at least, you probably have other places to run to), but when it starts online, it affects even your whole life off social media, it involves people that are strangers to you, it's like everyone is against you, and no one can protect you, there's almost nowhere for you to hide. That's heavy.

Back then, you must have done something grave to be cancelled (lose support, be isolated, chased away), now it's not just the behaviour anymore, you just have to make a statement that irks many people, and you're well on your way. This is the present reality of “cancel culture”. Twitter, now called X, is a major platform that pushes this culture. Someone once said that the energy on X is different, maybe we all agree, do we?

Cancel culture has been known to give people the right consequences of their actions, but we've also seen the other side of it, the one that looks like cyberbullying. It's like a double edged sword.

There's been debates around this topic, some support it, some are against it, but I would rather that we start thinking up measures to protect ourselves.

As the elders would tell us, not all your thoughts should be said. In this era of social media, this rings louder than ever. Not all your thoughts should be shared online. Before posting on social media, try thinking about saying that thing to someone physically, think about their reaction, and then decide if this is worth posting online, or you may as well actually talk to someone in your corner about it. Their feedback should tell you whether to go ahead or not.

You have to be really careful with your words because sometimes what you think you meant is not what others received, what you think is a joke, is taken offensively by those at the receiving end. I remember telling some friends to do something a while ago, and they did something else entirely. I was upset, but I had to say it again, this time giving more explanations, before they understood. Now, imagine that being something that could have a negative side to it. Your “harmless” joke, statement, becomes something that could change your life in a very unexpected way, something that could turn your life upside down.

Now to our dear “cancelers”, may we have some empathy? Yes, they have offended, yes, they have hit a sore spot, yes, they've crossed the line, but… a little grace wouldn't hurt. No, it's not excusing bad behaviour, it's recognizing that we are not robots, that we all have feelings, and we have bad days, times when we are not ourselves, it's acknowledging our shared humanity, even in our anger.

Putting ourselves in others’ position before taking any action always helps.

These people have lives too, they have families, they have things they're dealing with as well. Correct, confront, do what you have to do, but don't cancel, especially when it's not something like rape, or domestic violence case. We don't really have to do that to them. We are all humans, and we all have feelings, that is what connects us. Shalom.